SPIRIT JOURNEYS:
Desire

July 2, 2023 • Fifth Sunday after Pentecost
Readings: Gospel of Thomas 70
Katie Reimer, COTV, Guest Preacher

[You can view the full worship video recording at: https://youtu.be/7-6Ef_qHBT4]

When I was around 7 years old, one of the things I loved to do was take out the Peter, Paul and Mary LP in my parents’ house, and listen to Puff, the Magic Dragon. I was enchanted by that song. I listened to it over and over again. That song stirred many feelings within my 7 year old self.

I wanted to be friends with Puff, the Magic Dragon, who lived by the sea.

I wanted to bring Puff strings and sealing wax, and other fancy stuff. Like marbles. I don’t know why I always thought marbles were the “other fancy stuff,” but that’s what I thought.

One day, I choreographed a dance routine to that song in my living room.

It involved frolicking, jumping off of the fireplace, and gliding through the room like that boat with billowed sails.

I danced and twirled, imagining myself in the heart of that story.

And I remember feeling so sad when it came to this part of the song:

A dragon lives forever, but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant's rings make way for other toys
One gray night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff, that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane
Without his lifelong friend, Puff could not be brave
So Puff, that mighty dragon, sadly slipped into his cave

I wanted so badly to comfort Puff at that moment.

I wanted Puff to know that he wasn’t alone.

I wanted Puff to be happy.

And I wanted Puff to know that I wouldn’t leave him.

So I imagined myself going into that cave, and just sitting with that mighty, sad dragon.

When I reflect back on all of this, I see a child who was tuned in to what she desired. My 7 year old self wanted music and magic. She wanted adventure and friendship. She wanted to dance and move. And she threw herself into all of those things with full abandon.

I remember how beautiful and free I felt when dancing through the living room to Puff, the Magic Dragon.

And I’m not sure when I lost track of my desires. But somewhere along the journey of life, I stopped doing the things that I was drawn to. And I started doing things that I thought I should be doing.

I remember auditing a class at Union Theological Seminary that sparked my journey towards reclaiming my desire. The class was on spiritual discernment. On the first day of class, the professor said that our assignment for the entire first month of the class would be to sit for 1 hour a day with the question: What do you desire?

And once we identified something we wanted, we were then supposed to go deeper into that desire, and say “What is the desire underneath that desire?”

And then to keep on going, and say… “Is there an even more basic desire underneath those desires?”

I sat many times with these questions. But more often than not, when I asked myself what I desired, my mind went blank. I froze. And all I could think was: I don’t want anything. And I don’t need anything.

I tried to be patient with myself because I was eager to do well in this class. But again and again, when I sat with that question, “What is it you desire,” my mind and heart were frozen.

Throughout the semester, we talked a lot about desire. We learned about Ignatius of Loyola, a man from the 16th century who founded the Society of Jesus, known today as the Jesuits.

Early in his life, Ignatius had a strong desire for fame, and he wanted to be a soldier. Ignatius was known as a ladies’ man and a hothead, with a police record for nighttime brawling.

After being injured in battle, Ignatius was healing from that injury, and a family member gave him two books. One book was on the life of Jesus, and another was on the life of the saints. Ignatius was irritated at first, because he wanted books about romance and drama, and he found these books dry and boring. But eventually, that was the only thing to read, and so he read them. And eventually he came across the strong desire within to emulate the saints, and to serve God.

Ignatius developed a method for spiritual formation. And this Ignatian Spirituality is built on the foundation of desire.

Our desires - our passions, motivations, loves and even hates - are the stuff of discernment. Our desires lead to self-knowledge, and self-knowledge leads to God. Our desires are one way that God communicates with us. And our deepest desires always point us towards an energizing and satisfying life.

Through that class, I came to understand the importance of knowing my desires. But I still couldn’t tap into them. And it would take many years of reflection, practice and determination to reconnect with my desires. To be able to articulate what my body and my mind and my spirit wanted.

Parallel to this class, I was also reading many non-canonical texts during that time. Non-canonical texts are documents that date to the time of Jesus, but that were not selected for the Biblical canon we now call the New Testament.

The Gospel of Thomas was a particularly intriguing book to me. It is a collection of 114 sayings attributed to Jesus. Approximately 50 of those teachings can be found in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. But over 60 of them are fresh to our modern ears.

I remember coming across the Gospel of Thomas 70:

“If you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you.”

Those were sobering words. And that single verse changed the course of my life.

When I read that verse, I knew that the desire to go to seminary was within me. And I delayed for many years. Some of you may remember. I audited classes for 3 solid years, and I considered auditing a 4th year of auditing. I didn’t know where it would lead, or what it would mean for other parts of my life. But I knew that I wanted it.

That verse was one of the things that led me to apply for the Master of Divinity degree. I realized that moving towards my desire would save me, heal me, and restore me to my authentic self. And ignoring or suppressing that desire would destroy me. And so I applied, and I went, and I graduated in 2020 with the MDiv. And this journey has indeed healed me and brought me into my authentic self.

But through this journey of reclaiming my desires, I have run across several challenges.

The first thing I realized was that often, I have conflicting desires within me.

Sometimes, I want to go out with friends, but I also want some alone time.

Sometimes, I desire a vacation, but I also want to save money.

Sometimes, I am drawn to addictive substances or thoughts, but I also want to be healthy.

Sometimes I want to be honest, but I also want to be kind.

My conflicting desires make me think of Paul’s letter to the Romans, when he says:

I do not understand what I do.
For what I want to do I do not do,
but what I hate I do.

Conflicting desires can be confusing. And this is where I’ve found it helpful to ask “What is underneath this desire? Is there a desire that is more basic than this one?”

For example: The alarm is going off in the morning, and all we want is to sleep for another couple hours. It could be that the deeper desire is that our bodies would have the rest they need to heal. Or, it could be that the deeper desire is that we really want to establish a regular sleep routine. If it’s the first one, we may want to turn off the alarm and sleep and give our body the rest it needs. But if it’s the second one, we may want to push through that desire to sleep, get ourselves out of bed, and get ourselves into a regular sleep routine.

Another way I have learned to deal with conflicting desires is to reflect over time on which things really energize and satisfy and heal me.

For example: When we are drawn towards a person who is toxic for us, we may recognize over time that the small doses of intimacy and love that we do receive are overwhelmed by the emotional or even physical blows we take. Although it can be hard to break away from that person that we strongly desire, recognizing that ultimately, intimacy with this person does not leave us energized or satisfied can help us to break away.

A second challenge that arisen in my journey to reclaiming desire is the pain that comes when they are unfulfilled.

For many years, I longed for the appreciation of one particular person. But no matter what I did, I just could not seem to get the appreciation from that person.

And then, when I was least expecting it, a completely separate group of people organized a surprise gathering just to honor and appreciate me. And I realized in that moment that although God doesn’t always fulfill our desires in the exact way we want, God does provide for the longings within.

These are just a few of the challenges I’ve run across when attuning myself to my desires. But although those challenges are there, I have also realized that I cannot flourish as a human being without bringing those desires forward.

Alice Walker’s poem, Desire, sharpened my understanding that paying attention to, and nurturing our desires is essential for healing the holes in our hearts. As she wrote:

“It seems impossible that desire
can sometimes transform into devotion;
but this has happened.

And that is how I've survived:
how the hole
I carefully tended
in the garden of my heart
grew a heart
to fill it.”

Our desires can help to heal the wounds that we carry. Our desires can lead us back to our authentic selves. Our desires are a gift from God. And our deepest desires will always lead us back to Love.

And so, friends, I encourage all of us to take time on this journey through life to ask ourselves: What is it that I desire?

And then, What is the desire underneath that desire?

Challenges will certainly face us, but blessings will abound.

This is the gospel. This is good news. Amen.

Copyright (c) 2023 - Katie Reimer
All rights reserved.